This morning we are headed down to Southern California to see our birth mom and baby via ultra sound. Matt’s sister Kate (Auntie Kate) is just 2 hours from her so we will spend the rest of the weekend in L.A. We’re ready for a fun family weekend.
As I write this update I have been thinking, praying and working through so many emotions and thoughts on our call to grow our family through adoption starting with but not limited to…I’ve been thinking a lot people haha
1- Not physically carrying my babies
2- Baby showers
3- Telling Lily that neither she or her siblings grew in mommy’s tummy. Not sure how this one will go.
When we adopted Lily we didn’t have 9 months of waiting and hearing how the pregnancy was going. We didn’t find out about her until 6 hours before she was born. I had a whole bunch of new emotions and feelings that I experienced but it was after she arrived. There was no wondering about the pregnancy and getting updates about how she was growing and changing in the womb.
This time around I have really been struggling with not physically being pregnant. Knowing our baby is growing and kicking and I can’t feel it or get to experience it is making me sad. I want to be clear Matt and I are one hundred percent committed to adopting and are not pursuing any treatments to get pregnant but I think I am still grieving all the extras that a birth mom and fertile women get to experience.
I read this quote recently, “God often uses our greatest pain as a launching pad for our greatest calling”.
My greatest pain by far has been experiencing infertility and my desire to be a mother. God saw that pain and answered that prayer and now my greatest calling is being a mom. Most days I still feel like pinching myself I am so honored to be a Mom.
But that doesn’t mean that now my pain is gone forever. I never expected that once I became a mom I would never feel pain around this issue again. I guess I am a little surprised at my grief that is coming with watching our beautiful birth mom carry our baby. Along with the pain there is also amazing joy and honor that we have been chosen to be parents again! I mean the pain is nothing like it was before I had Lily. It’s just different. We are in something new and with new seasons and change come feelings and thoughts we experience for the first time. The good news is I have learned to sit with these new feelings, not feel bad, guilty or that something is wrong with me. Its my process and I am so thankful God talks about feelings, emotions and struggles in his word.
Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me. Luke 9:23
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable. So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:12-16
The verses in Hebrews chapter 4 have brought more comfort and peace to my struggles with infertility than anything else. Whatever you are struggling with today infertility, infidelity, depression, sorrow or worthlessness please take hope that Jesus Christ our great high priest empathizes with you and understands what you are going through. Look to him, talk to him he knows you better than anyone else.
So much love!