Matt and I feel like we are in a dream unfortunately it’s a nightmare. It still doesn’t feel real and our reality hits me at different times. I have not been looking forward to this moment and having to share this news for a second time this year. But because of circumstances out of our control we will no longer be bringing a sweet baby girl home this week. Without going into too much detail, we were the targets/victims of adoption fraud and what we have heard is  the birth mom was receiving support from multiple families, which is a felony. She knew what we went through earlier this year and looked us in the eyes several times and said “I will not change my mind, I would never do that to you guys” and we believed her, supported her, and gave so much time, money and love to her. Again with the last adoption we prayed, believed in faith and prepared for this little girl like she was already ours.

Things don’t always happen the way you want them to and it is really hard when they don’t. We live in a broken world with broken people I am more aware of this than any other time in my life. I’m not going to sugar coat it, this one has really thrown us and it really hurts. Thankfully I have been able to hold it together when Lily is awake. When she is up life has not changed for her and luckily God has given me the strength not to lose it in front of her. She has such a happy heart and is so smart. I freaked out a little bit about what to tell her since she thinks her baby sister is coming soon. Matt had the best answer “Baby sister isn’t ready to come home yet”. I am so thankful for his wisdom.

And then there’s…GOD, his love and provision over our lives and hearts remains, it remains our constant source of strength, our ever present help in trouble, and this is trouble. Trouble in our hearts, minds and ideas of what should happen, what could of happened, what didn’t happen.

There are so many questions we both have and we might not ever get the answers to them. Nothing feels ok about right now and I don’t know when or if it ever will, but HE knows and that is enough for me. He had a plan for us and that sweet baby girl. We pray the family that did take home, what we thought was our baby girl, will love her and care for her as we would have.

In the last couple of days I have totally questioned how much I have shared of our journey but then I was reminded that this is real life and we are real people with real highs and real lows. This blog and my Instagram are not just a highlight reel of all the best moments in my life. It’s a reality reel and reality is life isn’t perfect but we serve a God that is perfect! Our constant hope and prayer from the beginning of our adoption journey was that God would be glorified. He is a good, good Father regardless of the outcome.

After we got the news and I was able to calm down there were some truths that came to my heart in a sweet whisper. I wanted to share them with you because they hold the power of life and hope in whatever you are going through.

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by the long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit. The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”  Jeremiah 17:7-10

He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and unjust alike.  Matthew 5:45

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone.  James 1:5-6

I’ve always heard of nesting but have never experienced it. With Lily I had no time to nest but with baby #2 I have been busy preparing our home for our sweet girl due October 19th. I’ve noticed I can easily fall into the trap of becoming too busy, preparing our home, the baby’s room, making freezer meals and researching what baby items we might need; that it can be all to easy to neglect my heart. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that but it’s true. This family of ours and the children God is allowing us to raise has been born out of years of what we thought were unanswered prayers. But he was answering our prayers, he was going to grow our family. It just wasn’t the timing we had planned. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around this, God is growing our family!!! We have a child and will have more children. It might sound goofy but the reality that we get to be parents still leaves me in awe. We went so many years longing for this and now we are here! Only God, only God!

There are moments I still get chills, butterflies whatever you want to call it when I look at Lily and think about where we have come from and that I get to be her mom. Matt and I together get to steward her precious life. And here comes baby #2 and to say I am feeling every emotion possible would be as accurate as I can explain it. Excited, happy, nervous, scared and anxious are just a few. I feel like it doesn’t matter how much planning I can do to prepare nothing will really prepare me for two. I have talked to so many friends who have multiple children and there is a thread of similarity to what they have to say.

#1 It’s crazy

#2 You will develop a new normal (routine)

#3 You are giving your children the best gift, a sibling.

I recently added a new sign to our house. My friend Ashley makes them and I see it everyday and am reminded of God’s goodness and his faithfulness to us. But it’s not just for us, it’s for everyone. He is for you, he is on your side. The moments you may think he’s forgotten or doesn’t care it’s just not true. I can say this because that’s what I used to think. If you are in that season or have been in it for a period of time, maybe for years, then discouragement and questions can start to feel like they are over running your faith. Like, does God really know what he’s doing? Or does he even care about me, those were some of my biggest struggles. Well he does, I promise you he does. Sometimes all we can see is whats in our front seat or we keep looking in our rear view mirror even. But God sees our future the mile or two ahead the kind of stuff we couldn’t even imagine or comprehend he knows it all and he sees you!

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20

So much Love